Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
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The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
A family that plays together cheats.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste