I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
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Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Sponch
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*