My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
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I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.