Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
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Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Tough love is true love
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Warm pools make me nervous.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me