[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
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My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Somebody’s lying.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.