My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what