Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
You Might Also Like
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.