A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
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The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Storm Tropical Storm
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.