Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
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We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Care for your back
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable