The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
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I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.