The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!