Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
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When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I want this so bad
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.