If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
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wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
j o i m p
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.