i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…