10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
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My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.