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A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”