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Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
me hooking up with my ex
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
it’s the silliest best thing
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.