Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
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ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..