Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting