I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
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“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Running from your problems is cardio .
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.