BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
OH. COME. ON.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
When someone says you are so lazy
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private