Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
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Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.