WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
You Might Also Like
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.