VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
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IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Not all heroes wear capes…
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.