me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
You Might Also Like
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.