Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
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Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Taking phone security to the next level.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
definitely did not do anything wrong
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.