Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
You Might Also Like
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Can’t. Being lazy.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.