ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
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ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I can fix him.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk