If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
me hooking up with my ex
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.