I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
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Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Science memes
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.