[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
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I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
is it earth
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP