If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
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If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward