Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
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Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Autocorrect completely socks
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.