Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
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My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Can. I. Help. You.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao