Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much