my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
The future is now.
i wish we could shoplift online