Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
You Might Also Like
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.