My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I hate my earbuds.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.