Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
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I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Clients after you give them your rates
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*