“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
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Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy