If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
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Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I love wikipedia
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.