Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
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It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.