16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.