My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
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Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
no one likes gloating
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?