Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
You Might Also Like
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.