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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Thanks to a fan for this one.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.