Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
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I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
This raises questions
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
This trial is so absurd 😭
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.