Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
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I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
We all have our pet causes.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.