Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
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Never go to sleep after making me angry
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
greetings!
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.