The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
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got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true